Some SPIDER JOKES

Some SPIDER JOKES

Why do so many spider families settle in the Carolinas?

They want to be near Charlotte’s Web!

Why do spiders go to Carnegie Hall?

To hear the string section play!

Why do spiders do so well in English class?

They bring along Webster’s Dictionary!

Why did the spider lose the 100-meter dash?

His feet got tangled in the starter's blocks

A man and a spider are sitting at a bar. The man asks the spider “So what do you do?”

The spider replies “Oh, I’m in web design.”

A guy says to a female at a club-- “Honey you’ve got some amazing pairs of legs; or else I’ve had way too much to drink!”

She replies “Yeah, right, but it’s hell getting into and out of 4 pairs of pants every day!”

What did the male spider say to his mate as she was going out shopping?

Please don’t go into any shoe stores!

　

An unemployed spider was looking at the classifieds, and saw a posting for a switchboard operator. He thought--”hey that’s something I could probably do pretty well!” So he called them to get details about the job.

After a little discussion, the potential employer said “Wait a minute. You’ve got no experience operating a switchboard. What makes you think you’d be good at It?”

The spider replied “To be totally honest, I was built with more limbs than your average human!”

The interviewer responded “Now I’ve heard everything--an unemployed robot!” He slammed the phone down.

　

What do you call a spider with wings?

A very scarey spider! or

You don’t call to him. You get the hell out of the way! or

Sir or Madam.

Why did the spider want to go to the Middle East?

He’d heard of “Arach” (Iraq).

Why was the spider a Washington Redskins football fan?

Because Brian “Arachpo”! (Orakpo). plays for them..　

ROADMAP IN MY HEAD--Song Lyrics RIFFIN SPIDERS Record TUNE THE MOON

ROADMAP IN MY HEAD
When I woke up today I was feeling blue
Like the day before only this time no clue
They say depression can be habit forming
It just settles in without any warning
So I decided to have some fun
Maybe go to the beach and play in the sun

You see I’ve got a roadmap in my head
Where none of the lights are red
I jumped in my ride and went that-away
Some dude was hitchikin’ guess it wasn’t his day

Anyway I drove pretty fast so I got to the beach quick
Going too slow makes me car-sick
Only problem was there weren’t any people around
I wondered whether they all had drowned
Where were the chickies dancing around with glee
Hasn’t this beach been on MTV
What about that roadmap in my head
Where none of the lights are red

Then a lifeguard tells me the beach is closed
When it’ll open nobody knows
It’s too polluted to swim in he’s shoutin’
And since I have no reason to doubt him
I ask if there’s a boardwalk or maybe a pier
For strolling around this time of year

He said there used to be somethin’
until a storm named Heather/Lynn
Took it all out with some violent weather/wind
And to think I’d even packed a lunch
Now I feel like I’ve been kidney punched
And that roadmap in my head
Well some of the lights have turned red.　

OPEN A WINDOW--Song Lyrics from RIFFIN SPIDERS Record TUNE THE MOON

OPEN A WINDOW
I say
Open a window
and look outside
tell me what's fallin'
out of the sky

and you say
Things are fallin'--fallin' down
and they're bouncing around
when they hit the ground

and I say
Let's go out tonight
so we can find out what's been fallin'
out of the sky

Open a pinhole
and look inside
tell me what's crawlin'
around outta sight

you say
Things are hopping and bopping around
and they jump up and down
like a lightning cloud

and I say
Let's get down there tonight
so we can find out what's been ticking
on the micro slide

Open a disco
and look inside
tell me what's shakin'
and breakin' in time

and you say
People swirling and a-twirling around
snapping their fingers to the thumping sound

and I say
Let's go out tonight
so we can boogie like a cookie
in the flashing light.

More Riffin' on the Riffin'--Name That Band

Here’s a tall tale to riff on. Steven Ace has a time traveling friend who has been to the future. While a few years ahead of the presdent, he took a cultural snapshot of the entertainment world. One interesting thing that it revealed was that one of the top rock ’n’ roll acts then will be known as the Riffin’ Spiders.

When Steve heard that, so the story goes, he wondered why he hadn’t ever heard of this band. He than googled it and found there was no such act--yet. So Steve, thinking forwardly and outside the box, decided to found a band and name it Riffin Spiders.

That’s one of Steve’s ways for explaining how he got his act together. He sort of imagined that he and his band-mates really were riffin’ spiders. You know--how they behaved, what they thought about, and whatnot...

DISCOGRAPHY and GENRE-BUSTING with "KUNTRAPUNK"

Tune the Moon, the debut album for Riffin Spiders, is the 5th record in 8 years for founding member Steve.  #1 was Ace Shardtrix--The Drawbridge in 2007.  Then came Steven Starjet--Love Wheel in 2009, followed by Steve & Ace's Blue Night in 2012 and Steve  & Ace's Smashups! in 2013.

The first 3 of these were mostly alternative rock a la the 3Rs''Ramones, REM, and Replacements.  Then on  Smashups! an intense electric guitar Wall of Sound took hold a la Pink Floyd.  Now Tune the Moon combines both of these tendencies...

Riffin Spiders has developed and dubbed a new genre--"Kuntrapunk"--a melding of country, rap and punk music styles.  It's evident throughout the record. and developed naturally--over time.  Nobody said to do it, it just happened...

Ditto regarding another style--Heavy Choral (or Choral Metal).  It's for music a bit reminiscent of Queen's We Are the Champions, onlylike the Chorus is being heard underwater, or perhaps from a shipwreck in the distance.

P.S.--An abbreviated version of "Kuntrapunk" is "Kunrapun"..

MAY B LEAN---Song Lyrics from RIFFIN SPIDERS Record TUNE THE MOON

MAY B LEAN
Maybe there’ll come a day
we'll call our song "The Way"
but I’ll always love you
I’ll always love ya, now Kimmy, Kimmy

So many guys are glad to court ya
you call this “spread across the map”
so very beautiful those nights you’re in my lap
amazing kind of hugs, amazing kind of hugs

Well, maybe there’ll come a day
we'll call our song “The Way”
but there’s always something
there’s always something out there, Kimmy, Kimmy

From Carolin’ to California
from El Paso to Quebec
you put on a show, and it’s one of the best
such a strong desire you set the stage on fire

NEW YORK MINUTE TODAY---Song Lyrics from RIFFIN SPIDERS Record TUNE THE MOON

NEW YORK MINUTE TODAY

Ya knew it when ya knew me

satisfy

aw but ya blew it baby

when ya threw me

off that ride

A New York Minute today!

when I saw you walkin’ away

so whatcha gonna do

butter to me

while I duck and hide

We ate at Duncan’s Brewery

by the pint

aw but ya made it baby

go kerplooey

by the morning light

A New York Minute today!

when I saw you walkin’ away

so whatcha gonna do

butter to me

while I duck and hide

There’s no point in pretending

excuses are never-ending

you played me for a salad bowl

so that’s your artist’s rendering

Forces greater than ourselves

are somehow still contending

when I fall asleep at night

I feel like I’m descending

We traded junk for jewelry

eye-to-eye

aw but you paid a punk to moon me

by the lunar light

A New York Minute today!

when I saw you walkin’ away

so whatcha gonna do

butter to me

while I duck and hide!

CITY OF DREAMS---Song Lyric from RIFFIN SPIDERS Record TUNE THE MOON

Play it here
http://youtu.be/PHhtw60vwNI

CITY OF DREAMS
When I woke up this mornin'
the cats outside were moanin
the phone next door was phonin'

The cops had finished patrollin'

it was

time for them to go bowlin'...in this city of dreams

My girlfriend

says I'm controllin'

she just

likes to go strollin'

But I ain't her I'm

a grown man

so put away the defoliant...in this city of dreams

When I went to bed last night

the stars were shining bright

the astronauts were all right

one of 'em said "please write"

The Moon was somewhere near Mars

there was a sale on candy bars

at the drugstore down the street

in aisle M we'll meet...in this city of dreams

In my dream you're something sweet

I like to nibble on

like Fae Ray was for Kong

although they didn't last long

He was one big fellow

and yet surprisingly mellow around her

or so it seems…in this city of dreams

Today I had a bad hiccup,

my cousin tried to play "stickup"

I lost a guitar pickup

at a show downtown

Trying out a new sound

ain't life a scream

it's all that you could ask for…in this city of dreams.

　

BORN TO SHUN---MEAN OLE' BOSS SAYS---DON'T COVER ME

The Great Bruce Springsteen may come across as open-armed to his fans, but one upstart rock & roller found out that when it comes to potential competition, the Boss isn’t always so giving.

“I was going through a period when I was trying to develop my stylistic range,” says Steven Ace of Riffin Spiders. “I developed this recording technique which I called ‘sing-along karaoke’ where you’re singing and recording a vocal duet.

“You know, in standard karaoke the original vocals are removed from the mix and so your siniging replaces theirs. But in sin-along karaoke you’re actually adding your vocals to what’s already there.

“I did sing-along karaoke to all sorts of music in this project. During six months in my spare time I must’ve recorded close to forty songs this way, and I did succeed in my primary objective--broadening my vocal stylings.”

But when he took it a step in another direction--releasing the music, Ace ran afoul of the Big Bad Boss.. “I had about a half dozen Bruce covers I’d recorded over the years with acoustic guitar--songs like Nebraska, No Surrender, Factory, and I thought they might sound good alongside sing-along karaoke of songs like Backstreets, Badlands and Candy’s Room.

I put some of the stuff, put it on a cd, and sent it off to Bruce’s management. Within a month came the reply from a paralegal at the law firm representing him: ‘our client has asked us to respectfully decline the request.’ So it goes…

“I wasn’t trying to make money off of him,” Ace adds, “I was prepared to offer all profits go to a charity of his choosing. But it never got that far.”

The story is a bit reminiscent of one the Boss tells about himself. While still relatively unknown, Bruce was doing a gig in Memphis and after the show tried crashing Graceland. He didn’t get in, and Elvis wasn’t even home.

　

　

RIFFIN SPIDERS Coming Out Soon TUNE THE MOON !!!

HOMAGE TO SPINAL TAP

The Riffin’ Spiders album Tune the Moon calls to mind the cult R&R movie classic This is Spinal Tap. It combines grandiose ambitions with irony and humor. To appreciate it, just find a comfortable chair or sofa, put on your best stereo headphones or turn on your best stereo speakers. Turn it up to 11 (or 12 if you're a Seahawks fan)--and let the music sweep you away......

GUITARS GALORE

If you love guitars you'll love this album. Lively, meandering, captivating stuff. At times an intense, relentless wall of sound. And then later in the same song it may sound like a solo from a chamber music piece. Vocals, often emerging spontaneously from guitar interplay, help to conjure up a variety of scenes--a ballpark crowd, a horse race, robots, a haunted house, an airport, a casino, the big city, a heavenly choir, the Beach Boys, etc..

Yup, there's something for everybody here on Tune the Moon--so get it Soon!

　

DANCING AMONG THE STARS

This albumm is highly recommended for star lovers and walkman wearers. Under the night sky this music can provide a great natural high--try it !!  (With or without the Moon--just make sure it’s in-Tune”!